For my first guest post of Twilight month I am happy to welcome Mandi from Smexy Books! This is a post I have been giggling about for awhile now and I’m so happy to finally share it with you all!
New Moon – The Condescend Version
Cast includes (from left to right) Edward, Bella, Jacob, Werewolf Jacob, Jasper, Alice, Laurence, The Volturi.
Edward: Bella, happy birthday! Open my present.
Bella: Oh no, I have a paper cut.
Jasper: Yummy, I smell blood. I must eat you Bella.
Edward: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Edward: I must leave you Bella – it is the only way to keep you safe.
Bella: I shall lay in the dirt until you come back.
Jacob: I will be your best friend now. I even built you a motorcycle.
Bella: Hot damn Jacob, you are built! This motorcycle is fun..wheeeeeee.
Jacob: Bella, you love me right?
Mike Newton:Bella, I thought you loved me?
Bella: I miss Edward! Leave me alone, all of you nasty boys!
Laurent: Bella – Muahahaha – I am here to get you.
Bella: Crap, I shouldn’t have come to the woods alone. What would Edward tell me to do?
Jacob:GRRRRRRRR
Bella: Oh yay – an extraordinarily large wolf has come to my rescue
Bella: I will now jump off this cliff into the water below. It is the only way to hear Edward’s voice
Edward: Bella is dead, I must show my sparklies to the world in hope of death.
Bella: Hey stupid – I’m not dead! Don’t show your sparklies!
Alice: I suck at seeing the future
Volturi: We can’t let a human know about our presence.
Edward: Bella deserves a normal life.
Volturi: You must make her a vampire soon, we will be watching.
Edward: Damn fate
Bella: Yay, I want fangs
Alice: I still suck at seeing the future
Bella: Oh Edward, I love your hard cold lips. Give me love.
Edward: Stop being a tramp Bella! I will not sex you up until we are married.
Jacob: GRRRRR
The End
Thank you so much Mandi for the harlarious post!
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009, 1:00 PM | 
Guest Post, Twilight month | 
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November 3, 2009 at 1:08 PM
LOL OMG that's SOO FUNNY!!!
November 3, 2009 at 1:10 PM
OFMG, that's hilarious! Love it!
November 3, 2009 at 1:29 PM
LOL. Too funny. How appropriate that Bella is the "bigger" person *g*
November 3, 2009 at 1:30 PM
My selection of dolls is limited with two boys..HA.
November 3, 2009 at 1:37 PM
LMAO! Great job, Mandi!
November 3, 2009 at 1:57 PM
Funny! I like how much bigger Bella is than the boys. She should just smush them all.
November 3, 2009 at 2:04 PM
BUWAHAHA!!!
Don't show your sparklies!!
See, Jacob is so much more dreamy than Edward.
That was great.
November 3, 2009 at 2:05 PM
I thought you would like who I picked for Jacob
November 3, 2009 at 2:06 PM
MMM He-Man Jacob. Nom.
November 3, 2009 at 2:07 PM
November 3, 2009 at 2:07 PM
you guys are nuts, I love it HAHAH
November 3, 2009 at 2:16 PM
Hahaha, now that is a Twilight that I can stomach!! Thanks for the laughs today.
November 3, 2009 at 2:27 PM
ROFLMBO…Toooo funny! Thanks for the giggles.
November 3, 2009 at 2:27 PM
ROFLMBO…Toooo funny! Thanks for the giggles.
November 3, 2009 at 2:32 PM
OMG… R-O-F-L-M-A-O!!!!! Mandi you rock honey!!! Great condensed verison!!! Showing spraklies! Love it love it love!!! =)
November 3, 2009 at 3:15 PM
LOL!!! That is the funniest thing I have seen all day! I couldn't stop laughing. So funny, so true.
November 3, 2009 at 3:28 PM
OMG! I LMAO! Hee-larious! Thanks Mand!
~bella (PS – I had the name first, I swear!
)
November 3, 2009 at 3:31 PM
Mandi, thanks for the laugh! I think you might have a future career in cinematography.
November 3, 2009 at 3:43 PM
Sure you did Bella…
Penny – I dumping my blog and going to Hollywood!
November 3, 2009 at 3:56 PM
That was awesome!
I'm featuring this in my New Moon November post!
November 3, 2009 at 3:59 PM
Cool! Thanks Jessica
November 3, 2009 at 4:56 PM
*chants* Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Way better than the Hollywood version!
November 3, 2009 at 4:58 PM
OMFG I just about died laughing. That was hilarious. "I must show my sparklies to the world." That was hilarious.
Awesome post!
November 3, 2009 at 5:11 PM
That was great! I couldn't stop laughing. Loved the line "I must show my sparklies to the world" and Alice's "I suck at seeing the future."
November 3, 2009 at 5:22 PM
Oh this post was timeless
November 3, 2009 at 5:37 PM
LMAO Mandi..that is too funny.
November 3, 2009 at 5:44 PM
This is great! Thanks for the laugh!
November 3, 2009 at 5:52 PM
Thanks everyone for stopping by
November 3, 2009 at 6:30 PM
LOL! I so needed that!
November 3, 2009 at 10:02 PM
Funny Mandi… very…
Love it..
E.H>
November 3, 2009 at 10:46 PM
Excellent!
November 4, 2009 at 12:45 AM
One word: Perfect!
Loved this, Mandi, you have a great imagination.
November 4, 2009 at 5:47 AM
Thank you for a much needed laugh! Too funny!
November 4, 2009 at 8:11 AM
Bella represented by a Barbie doll… could there be a more perfect representation for the ultimate literary Mary-Sue? Ha ha ha!
Great condensed version – I don't feel like I even have to see the movie now
P.S. – you own an Edward Cullen Ken doll! How cute (and obsessed) are you? Awwww….
November 4, 2009 at 2:18 PM
Brilliant!!
November 4, 2009 at 2:20 PM
I'm just a bit obsessed…LOL.
November 4, 2009 at 5:46 PM
That was freakin hilarious!!!
November 4, 2009 at 7:33 PM
haha oh my lollipop that's funny
i love it. it's a great idea–a spoof on a book…. liking the idea more and more. thanks for the great laugh!!
November 4, 2009 at 7:47 PM
I am jealous of your RPatt doll.
November 5, 2009 at 12:12 AM
This is seriously like the best thing ever. Mandi, I think I may be in love with you…or at least your savvy wit!
November 5, 2009 at 5:11 PM
Tears, I have tears.
November 5, 2009 at 5:43 PM
Wow, that is one of the best things I've seen in a while! It made my week!
*Still giggling*
November 9, 2009 at 2:36 AM
Just dropping by to let you know that you've been featured in my Weekly Wrap-Up!
Natalie @ Mindful Musings
November 20, 2009 at 9:01 PM
Awesomeness!!!!!
November 22, 2009 at 7:41 AM
Pah-hahaha! I'm linking to this from my blog!
November 14, 2011 at 11:23 PM
Laughed so hard my son kept saying, "What's so funny? Really, why are you still laughing??!!" Thanks for this!