Carla from The Crooked Shelf has done a guest post for every Twilight Takeover and I knew I had to ask her to do one for Breaking Dawn. I thought she would have a lot of things to say, and I was right. This is her best Twilight post yet!
So, Breaking Dawn huh? I know what y’all are thinking. WTF right? WHAT THE FORKS!!
and so it begins. YAY! I’m back baby! Y’know this is like the only feature that i’ve regularly contributed too. Because if you know me but at all, you will know that I will jump SO high at the chance to mock it like it’s hot. And when Lori asked me to guest post again this year I was all, UM YES PLZ! because you guys!!! how could I let this opportunity pass me by! there are so many things to make fun of!! it’s like it was written purely to give me ammo to mock it like it’s hot. So get ur fire extinguishers at the ready because it’s going to get hot UP IN HURRRRRRR, because i’m mocking it. Oh yes I am. In list form, because I am a nerd first, a mocker second.
Bella, I could care less what fancy schmancy car Edward bought you. But I don’t. Care that is. Basically, this just shows me that you sold out. You are a sell out. How do we know ur impending marriage will not end in divorce? Wait….can vampires even get divorced?
Where was the crazy bachelor/bachelorette parties? I mean these kids are THE LIVING DEAD. They are srsly mega old, and with age comes experience. Experience on how to party. I mean, not on Edwards side because that dude is a 107 (?) virgin, so i’m PRETTY sure he doesn’t know how to let the good times roll. I wanted crazy fun action. All I got was talk. WTF?
The sex scene – WHAT IN THE EFFITY FORKS WAS THAT ALL ABOUT. I read all four books. I dedicate serious reading time and YOU FADE TO BLACK. WTF!!!!!!! I wanted a sex scene. Shoot me. SM really? WHAT! no really, what! All I heard from the srsly old virgin was NO, stop trying to undress me, we must wait! I will not steal ur virtue. I mean, I will still date you and creep on you at ur bedroom window, but NO I will not have sex with you. FOR THREE BOOKS. And then she played the fade to black card? Talk about disappointing.
The pillow case fluff and bruises. WTF. You do a fade to black and then hit us with this? I wonder if she realises she’s rubbing salt in the wound. Bella is tres okay with the bruises and Edward is like I AM A TORTURED SOUL AND DON’T DESERVE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU EVER AGAIN. Really? we’re back to the no sex thing again? ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE YOU EVEN MORE. Dude, I’ve woke up with bruises all over me when I haven’t even had sex. It’s called being drunk and falling down. Or just being clumsy. We know that Bella is a klutz, for all we know the bruises could be her fault but we don’t do we, because IT FADED TO BLACK. Also, there is nothing wrong with a bit of rough rumble and tumble, if that’s what floats ur boat.
Bella is now with child. You would think that Edwards sperm would be a little bit sluggish seen as though he is DEAD, but apparently they have the super speed that comes with being a vampire because a bad boy fertilised Bella’s egg right up (I feel like I need to take a shower after typing that). BUT NO. Bella is pregnant and Edward is mad. I do not know the correct way to handle a vampire/maybenot/wedontknowwhatitis pregnancy, but i’m guessing being mad doesn’t really help. Should’ve worn a condom. Srsly. THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS IT’S LIKE WTF SQUARED.
I have entered the world where really bad fan fiction meets real life and I CAN’T FIND IT IN ME TO STOP READING. WHAT THE FORKS.
We are now with Jacob. THANK THE LORD FOR THAT. This whole section pretty much rocks my face off. Until Jacob starts going over to the dark side and cavorting with the vampires and the baby bump situation gets OUT OF CONTROL. He makes up for it by mocking Rosalie, the child obsessed crazy ass bitch who is now Bella’s BFF for some reason I don’t even want to talk about. I hate Rosalie.
Edward tells Jacob that if they get the “thing” (oh Edward, you have started this marriage with such love in ur heart) out of his wife, then Jacob and Bella can have non creepy sex and make “real” babies. WHAT THE FORKS. Srsly, enough with the self sacrifice. This should be a lesson that you should wear a condom next time. Not a lesson that comes to the conclusion that you should turn ur wife into a wolf’s sex toy. You weird weird not a virgin anymore guy.
Jacob becomes Alpha Wolf. My lady parts explode. I will regret this later I am sure.
Leah is my favourite. And Seth is the best thing ever. They keep me from setting my book on fire.
Bella starts craving blood. Because her baby is of the o-negative persuasion. WHAT THE FORKS. And she doesn’t even have the decency to act like a grown up and drink it from a champagne flute or anything. No she drinks it from a sippy cup. Mrs Cullen ladies and gents.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE HAS THE BABY AND IT EATS IT’S WAY OUT OF HER BELLY LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL AND THEN EDWARD BITES HER TO TURN HER INTO A VAMPIRE. I do not know what is happening or why the book has took this morbidly disgustingly weird path that includes cannibalistic babies. I just don’t even know what is happening. It’s all gross and vile and OH HELL NO YOU DID NOT JUST WRITE THAT JACOB IMPRINTS ON A BRAND NEW BABY YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT WHAT THE FORKS SQUARED TIMES INFINITY WHAT THE EFFNESS IS THIS CRAP, THIS HAS GOT TO BE A SICK JOKE.
It’s not a joke. I have to take a second and shed a tear for all lost members of the Team Jacob club. Call me. We’ll go get drunk together and find other fictional guys to crush on. Like for starters, one’s who aren’t in future love with babies. Or anyone called Rennesme. YEAH I KNOW WHAT THE FORKS.
Some more stuff happens like Bella becoming a vampire and not even wanting to kill people. BECAUSE SHE IS THE LAMEST. Really. What happened with this book though, really? SM built all this fun stuff up and then was like BUT IT WAS ALL OKAY. I’m pretty sure books need conflict, and that conflict needs to be resolved. It’s called something. Oh I know. PLOT. WHAT THE FORKS.
Blah blah the baby is all special and stuff. She grows real fast. Some other stuff that I don’t care about happens. They nickname their baby Nessie. OH YES THEY DO. Some more stuff happens, like the Volturi going sick because of the baby being weird and they too are like WHAT THE FORKS IS HAPPENING IN FORKS.
More stuff happens. Like these other vampires come and they go to war and everyone is going to die. Except we KNOW nothing bad is going to happen because a douche move was pulled and SM named her last chapter THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Oh wow. REALLY. That’s almost as bad as the name thing. Which basically is the baddest thing ever. So the war happens which isn’t a war, it’s not even a fight. It’s just vampires on a field talking. WHAT THE FORKS.
They live happily ever after. No really!! I SWEAR! they do! Just check the last chapter title. It’s not spoilery in the slightest!!!
So there you go! I’ll see you in the queue waiting to rush to get seats for the midnight showing. Because I will be there. I swear. I’m wearing my “i ate a uterous and i liked it, TEAM RENNESME shirt”.
Isn’t Carla like the most awesome person EVER? I love her.